Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Lessons Learned

"...It's not our disagreements that wound; it's our criticism, attack, and blame that wound...So it is that when we disagree with someone, our prayer should not be that their eyes be opened to our point of view, but that our eyes be opened to theirs." Everyday Grace. Marianne Williamson.

This would require a lot more humility than I have at this point in my growth. But it seems to me that this is what's up for me right now. Not only to understand, but to let the other person know that I understand. This last experiment in love ended with disagreements galore and hurt feelings on the other person's part. My part was my confidence that I was right. I realize that I'm almost always sure I'm right. Not good. I miss out on new information that way. So, the gift I take away from the experiment, is the gift of awareness that I need more humility. It isn't necessary for me to be right.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Don't tarry too long to mourn...;celebrate and rejoice in the new. The past is over. Wipe the dirt off your feet. Marianne Williamson. A Woman's Worth

It's always hard for me to know how much grief is enough or to trust my feelings. I tend toward sinking into compulsive self-examination and then despair. I don't think I need to do that now. I think I will celebrate and rejoice in the now instead.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

We are always responsible for our own sobriety. Beyond that, we're also responsible for maintaining good attitudes and making sure that our own anger and pride do not make any situation worse than it already is. ~Walk in Dry Places

A wounded heart is always a good excuse for me to get angry and prideful and try to make myself the victim. That always - in the past - has made things a lot worse. It doesn't reduce my pain - just distracts me momentarily. Far better to feel the pain and then distract myself with other activities and thoughts. I need help from my higher power and other people to stay in sanity. I am so grateful for friends and family that are willing to be my support.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

short time love

Grrr. New love; good-bye love. No regrets. It was worth the risk AND all the things I feared did happen. So now I am sad and feel a lot like I just fell out of a third story window and hit the ground hard. It was still worth the risk. Having a chance to love is always worth the risk.

Today I will accept whre I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings. The Language of Letting Go. Melody Beattie

Thursday, December 04, 2008


"Heaven protect me from my good friends who with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, and justify my complaints." One Day at a Time in Alanon

I love that the friends I have now don't cut me any slack! I've had an upper respiratory infection for a few days and was sick enough to go to bed a few times. But no one gave me any pity. They didn't give me any pity for the resentments I was about to nourish, either. (When I'm sick, I get picky about other people's behavior.) I remember when my favorite activity was to get on the phone and complain for hours to my friends while they gave me agreement and pity - and I got sicker and sicker. Self-pity and complaining just kept me unhappy. I wanted to be "right" so that I could feel better about myself. Ego again - the source of all misery for me. I don't know who is right or wrong. I just want to live from the heart because that makes me happy and peaceful.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Seeing Myself

I love being in recovery. Being in recovery and loving someone are pretty much chained together with big thick links for me. I am feeling vulnerable. It's pretty scary trying to love someone who sees my faults and shortcomings. Hmmm. What will happen? I work on my shortcomings but they are still there. When they bother someone I love, I want to change really bad. I would much rather be seen as the perfect person I wish I was. I know that I have to have help to change though and wanting to be perfect isn't a good reason. Besides, I'm not actually in control here. If I were I would already be perfect. So, I get to see myself through someone else's eyes and tolerate the vulnerable feelings that come with love and not being perfect. Of course, he isn't perfect either. That helps - a lot.

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