Loneliness

I finally have to admit that I'm experiencing loneliness. For the first year and a half after Ron's death, I didn't really have that feeling. I missed him. There was a huge hole in my life and my heart. But I wasn't lonely. At first I thought it was because there were so many people around after the accident that I didn't have a chance to be lonely. But that wasn't it. After I began to spend a lot of time alone, I still wasn't lonely. I was surprised. But then at about a year and a half I began to feel really lonely. I poked around inside myself to see if I could discover why. What had shifted was the feeling that Ron was going to show up just any time. I knew from previous losses that that feeling was the usual way my psyche reacts. There's just part of me that's not ready to give up on some sort of miracle. As time passes, so does that feeling. Once my whole being accepted that Ron was gone, I finally felt truly alone and without a loving partner: lonely. Well, that's probably how I'm supposed to feel for now.